Alright, no idea where to even really start here, other than with summing up the way i’ve been feeling the past 4 months now. Basically, my entire 24 hours, even when i’m sleeping, feel like a perpetual fog (And no, unfortunately not the good fog like Silent Hill) of being drunk, except instead of that nice, easy going feeling of not caring it’s the exact opposite of feeling like you’re going to literally die. Constantly dizzy, shaky, random twitches, pains, etc, etc. I’m constantly anxious even when I KNOW there’s NOTHING to be anxious about, the feeling doesn’t go away and I can’t calm down. There was a week where I woke up and it was just *poof* I felt better, but that almost made it worse because then my bastard inner-child made me think it’s going to happen again but worse. Even little things that remind me of the first huge anxiety attack I had makes me feel anxious. The shirt I was wearing, the thoughts of certain things, etc. It’s a RIDICULOUS thing to even be worrying myself with and the fact that i’m even feeling this way, this badly and feeling like I have zero control is insane. I’m 21 for fuck sakes. This is the LAST things I should be feeling and thinking like.
I’ve been trying to make myself eat more since I was 94lbs. last time I was at the doctor and only 89-90lbs when I first went. Which is fucking terrifying to me, especially since it’s really hard for me to gain any weight. Thank you metabolism, but I would like to trade with someone else, any takers? Or better yet, any fat and stuff you don’t want, cut it off, send it to me and i’ll stitch it onto myself; i’ll be a loverly stitched doll.
It would work.
Anyways, my thoughts on food as was mentioned in the title is that I find it incredibly weird at how hard it is to make yourself eat. I have ZERO appetite but I need to eat because if I don’t bad things happen. Whoo anemia and being underweight. Le sigh. For most people it isn’t hard at all to stuff their faces full of whatever they have near them without a thought in the world and they’re like bottomless pits. I used to be that way, I ate everything and all the time. Grazed all day. Most of which was processed, chalk full of perservative crap, but still. I ate.
Now it’s just been a hideous time trying to ignore chest pains, hard to breathe feelings and an overwhelming feeling of perpetual dread. Which again, is insanely moronic considering i’m 21 and this is the last I should ever be feeling this way. I’m too young for this shit, honestly. I wasn’t bad up until I took evil antibiotics and now i’m a whimpering, helpless feeling mess. And it makes me mad. Really mad. I am SICK of feeling this way and letting myself feel this way.